The Art of Doing Nothing
Who knew doing nothing can be so fun and comforting?
The day after the dinner party,
the thought of doing anything active seems like a chore.
So there we were, snuggled up in the couch,
with warm blankets wrapped around us.
Me, like a perfect puzzle piece, fit into his embrace
without a tinge space between us.
With him pressed up against my back,
we channel surfed all afternoon.
Like lazy cats on a sunny day,
we commented on whatever show we happened to stumbled upon,
we reminisces memories we've created with each other,
and shared stories of us while the commercials were on.
We snacked on Wasabi Rice Sticks,
Cheddar White Popcorn, and Dried Mango from Trader Joe's.
We had breakfast food for dinner and drank diet Pepsi.
Everything was so simple, comfortable, unforced, and natural.
He then said to me, "... I don't think I need to be with anyone else. I think we are ready..."
I feel so blessed and lucky to be with you, too.
Uh Oh - babbling
Tonight, I found my way back here. I hope it's not an indication that I have some issues I need to work out. Or maybe I am just in denial and that I really only have something to write about when I am not exactly satisfied with life. Who knows.
Sometimes I am so annoyed with myself, like tonight. I knew certain things will definitely upset me, yet I set myself up for failure and trapped myself in a place where, well, that did not make me feel too good. I wish I knew how to not corner myself like what I just did and instead, keep me in a happy place.
Curiosity does kill the cat. I planted myself a forbidden fruit tree, and golly, I chased myself outta Eden tonight. Dammit. I am like a knowledgeable yet stupid fly that went straight for the zapping bug lamp. I surfed at places where I ought not to, and now I drowned myself in the ocean of doubt. What the heck is wrong with me?
I think it all started with hearing the name being said out loud tonight, instead of just some yellow text flashing across my view every now and then. It set me off on a downward spiral of the inevitable. Thank God I don't know anyone by that name, or else I think I'd want to hide in a cave in mount Everest and puke every time I hear it.
That incident transported me to the place I did not have the will power to avoid. So the undisciplined heart guided my fingers clicking and pointing to places where I knew the visit has been continuous, probably even eagerly. A place to the past that I was not a part of. Suspicion was made reality not long ago, and the feeling of defeat and surrender rushed through me, and God forbid, I wanted to surrender.
I knew it is bad news when I start to doubt my decision and start to compare. I've committed the crime of all crimes by doing so and I think there is no turning back now. Perhaps Grandma was right, that I was a silly girl who made a very silly mistake that I will regret everytime when things aren't going too great. Wise old lady, she is.
Actually I don't think it's curiosity that is going to kill me. I think it's my pathetic, idealistic, and unattainable ideas of how things should be that will. I have no idea what's going to make me happy. Hells bells, trying out something new and exciting maybe the dumbest thing I thought would fill that hole. It's like the stock market, the more exciting the stock is, the more volatile, and the most insecure. I may have something great to gain, but man, if things get screw up, I am in for the fall into the abyss. I forgo the boring government bond that will steadily bring in the reward predictably, and I spat on safety and comfort. I never knew I am such a risk taker, a stupid one probably.
Floating
Two days short of two months, there I stayed.
It was foreign, over there, then.
It feels foreign, over here, now.
I was at a schizophrenic land where time stood still for the past 1000 years, where time also moves in rapid speed to catch up to the rest of the world, fast forwarding through the lost time. Fighting the worst jetlag I have ever experienced, I sleepwalked through the motions of life this past week. Half conscious, I drifted here and there, and everything seems monotonous and unfamiliar.
The road, the car, the ways of life, the daily grind, and the routine all seem unnecessary, mundane, complex, and futile. The orderliness and predictable nature of here, though stable, feels bland all of a sudden. On the solid ground, there I stood, yet I felt ever more unstable, more volatile and unsettling. Nothing is grounding me. In vertigo I twirled, dizzied by an array of indecisions and unknown, pulled in all directions to different places each with a different love of mine in the center of the whirlpool. All doors are open with bright lights shining in, but all too blinding and not one is obvious, not one can guarantee.
I am not one to rely on signs or superstition. But tonight, it seems that some spirit out in the vast space is pointing me to one single door. Tonight, everything was wiped clean, the entire collection of almost two years of continued smiles and occasional tears, vanished because of the 58 days in that foreign land. My last link was taken away, it has also robbed me of all the history I cherished and carefully stowed away. Now that I am left with nothing, I have, instead, been given a clean slate, like an invitation, giving me a shot to start over.
Time is heartlessly ticking. I am running out of time and chances are slipping by. Had it been couple of years ago, this decision would have been easy. But time is something no longer by my side, it is brutally ripping my dreams away from me, whichever way I choose.
Tears of Deliverance
Every year when I see her, I find myself in a place where I have not traveled before. I went from denial, to anger, to avoidance, to nonchalant, to the most recent, sympathy. Previous years, I have dreaded to face her because of my fear that the dam of locked up anger and self pity and whatever else may come crashing down. I fear that I may be an ungrateful human trash that I do not deserve to live. I fear that I may be a fraud.
I never thought healing would take this long and I never thought I would ever reach where I am today. But I did it.
All the logic and analysis I have done, no matter how many times I repeated them to myself, refused to reconcile with my emotions. I was angry, I felt abandoned, I felt betrayed, I thought the unforgivable has been bestowed upon me, and I condemned her for taking the most reliable and fundamental source of refuge and love away from me. But mostly, I felt guilty. I knew it was not my fault, in fact, it was no one's fault. However, the "what ifs" continued to haunt me year after year, refused to let me go. What if I had stayed, what if I loved her more, what if I didn't fight with her, what if... There are people out there who claim that they do not live with regrets, I simply do not see how that is possible.
There was not a manual or a self help book for me. I made my own road maps as I come to each intersections and I made my own rules when things seem fuzzy. I may have taken the longest detours possible, but I have finally made it to the final destination, a place I thought I would never reach.
Today, as I watched her move her head back and forth uncontrollably, held her crooked fingers and wilted limbs, observed those empty stares, I wiped away those unexplainable tears of hers and hugged her, and kissed her and wished she could express why she felt so sad. Does she feel lonely? Does she feel unloved? Does she feel abandoned? Can she feel all these? All the time? Or just when she is doing better, like this morning, when she actually remembered who I am? I wish I can understand and I wish I can help her and I wish she would just hug me back and I wish she could just ask me how I am doing like she used to.
I knew then, I have finally made it, I finally have the affirmation I have been looking for. I knew I have finally forgiven her and I have also finally forgiven myself. I was not angry, I was not avoiding her, I was not trying to be strong for other people, I was not trying to deny my own emotions. I realized I was concerned, not just of her physical well being, but her emotional one, the one I can not see, the one she can not express. I realized I do still love her, very much, because I want her to be happy, I am concerned that she may not be, and I am deathly afraid that at times, she is still conscientious of what had happened, and still aware what is happening.
I still don't know why she shed those tears. Perhaps it was nothing but some irritations in her eyes. But whatever it was, those tears I wiped away from her unwrinkled skin, wiped away my fears, and have delivered me out of the shadows.
Happy New Year! Woof!
From the other side of the world, I'd like to wish you all a
Happy Lunar New Year!
It's the year of the dog! Woof Woof!
May the new year bring you much joy and happiness with a fresh and hopeful new beginning!
Gong Xi Fa Cia!
With love and sincere thanks for all your kind encouragement and friendship,
Ivy
